Kitty Bradshaw

Writer. Traveler. Creative.

ESSAY: Working Through Personal Crisis

The Kitty Diaries

 

As the world knows, I know personal crisis well.  I have been working through a couple of life altering situations that have greatly affected me and changed me forever.  I sit here typing this and wonder who was I as a person prior to 2010.  Outside looking in, I think most people would think and/or say well it didn’t kill me.  Since most people have not experienced what I have gone through, they often say, “Pray about it”.  Although prayer and meditation helps with coping, and pulling you out of the misery… it does not magically fix the problems.  At some point we must deal with the trauma of our lives.  This post is about how I chose to deal and not deal with my personal traumas.

 

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CRYING

Professionally, my life is good, but my life Personally is the polar opposite.  For the last 3 years I have been fighting off personal crisis, and spending quite a bit of time secretly crying about things that were out of my control.  I have spoken about my personal journey publicly, and spent a lot of time praying to help me deal.  Maybe one day I will seek help, but I currently have this fear of completely unraveling in front of a stranger, lolll.  In the meantime, I am on my knees praying and learning to address my personal crisis out loud.  One thing I can say for myself is while crying, it does make me feel better… but what I have learned to do is speak about what is making me cry.  It forces me to address the issues, and not push them to the back of my mind.  Crying forces those inner demons to come out. If you speak out (normal speaking voice), what is causing you anxiety, you deal with those issues.  Maybe you won’t have the answers, maybe you will…. the most important thing is to alleviate the pressure that is building on your mind.

 

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STRESS

Stress is a danger sign that you must yield to.  If you do not yield to the warning, stress will continue to manifest in different ways until it stops you dead in your tracks.  Some of us see the signs early on and work to resolve them immediately… and then there is me who is the queen of brushing the issues up under the carpet.

I think up until 2010, I strived to be the “Perfect Christian”.  In my mind, the perfect Christian doesn’t get stressed out, they have the perfect mother and father who loves them, they don’t cry…. they rely on God to resolve all of the issues without worry.  Perfect Christians don’t get stressed out, they rely on faith.  Just so everyone is clear, I FAIL at being the perfect Christian.  Now, the strange thing is through my Personal Crisis, I developed a deeper relationship with God.  Now having that relationship is great for me, but I also have to work towards the revelation of my life.  By working towards the revelation, I am forced to deal with those issues.

 

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THE REVELATION

The Revelation is your “Aha moment.”  I promise you that everything happens for a reason.  The “reasons” can be different things.  We go through trials in order to provide a testimony to help others, or to put us in a different place.  Sometimes the reasons are clear to us immediately, and other times it takes 10 years for us to get to a point where the sting softens and we can look back and obtain our revelation.  In either case, let the need to find the answers be one of the anchors that pulls you through your Personal Crisis.

 

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DEALING

Avoidance is not dealing.  Through my personal experiences, I have learned that the more I avoid my Personal Crisis and try to cover things up… the more they float to the top.  Quite a few times I have been walking down the street and the tears starting streaming from my eyes.  There were days when I didn’t want to get out of bed.  There were days when I felt like dying.  Those were the good days… the bad days are dealing with hair loss and anxiety attacks, and sleepless nights.  Last night, I asked God, how have I been able to pull through that?!  Honestly, the last 3 years have been a blur filled with reoccurring breakdowns, and no answers.  I was forced to make some hard decisions, and am currently in a lonely place.  I say lonely, because with the exception of one person, no one around me knows what it is like to be me.  There are several revelations that I am discovering one at a time.  Each time that I discover a revelation, I become stronger.  Strength is what you need to survive.

 

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FINDING YOUR HAPPY

It’s been so long since I have been “normal me”, I don’t even know who that person is anymore.  This is where I speak about being tired of being miserable. There are days when you want to give your mind a break and escape into something else.  Let this process be another anchor.  Find a hobby, find a ratchet TV show, find exercise, or find a book.  Whatever you do, find healthy escapes… and stay away from drugs, booze, sex, and people.  During the process of finding your happy, it’s easy to take on addictions.  While you are going through your mourning period, stay away from vices that will cause you more problems later on down the line.

 

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PRAYER AND MEDITATION

Prayer is what I do.  Prayer and/or conversations with God have saved me from myself countless times.  I can admit that I have yelled at God, cursed during our conversations… and got mad and stopped speaking.  I think I am most ashamed about the not speaking part.  Everyone has their own relationship with God and/ or opinions.  I am not going to tell people what type of relationship they should have.  What I can say for me is in my darkest hours, God was there by my side speaking to my existence.  I don’t judge those of you who don’t believe or don’t have a relationship.  Honestly, I am not sure what advice to give here since I can only speak for what works for me.  I guess I would say spend time connecting to the universe.  There are plenty of nights when I cried out to God about being tired…. So tired.  I prayed for peace.

 

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SHED YOUR SKIN

While we work towards anchors to pull us through, we at the same time have to shed the anchors that work towards keeping us in dark places.  Those anchors can be a number of things, such as people, places, and things.  The people factor is the biggest thing as sometimes they are those that are closest to us. I learned in the last 3 years that just like any other element, people can become TOXIC in our lives.  I made the decision to remove my mother from my life.  I also removed a lot of friends.  I made those choices for me, so that I could heal.  Not every person is going to come in the form of a “villain” per se… sometimes they just have an energy that doesn’t mix well with yours.  In either place, if they are not good for you, simply walk away.  In regards to places and things:  Remember you are the person who needs to do what is best for you.  Once you find your happy, lean towards that.  Make moves that bring you out of adversity.  Follow growth, prosperity, and happiness.  Shed the bad energy!

 

 

In Conclusion…

One thing that I stress is you are not alone in going through trials.  Although I feel lonely because I travel a road most people have not experienced, I know that I am not alone in the struggle.  Don’t give up; don’t stop trying to survive.  We all go through things and sometimes those burdens are harder than most people have to endure.  Life isn’t about being easy, it is about the pursuit of happiness.  In order to pursue it, you have to find the strength to survive it.

 

I pray that we all find peace…

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2 Comments

  1. Miss Sara November 3, 2013

    I’m glad that you posted this. You needed to for you. Writing through your “stuff” is therapy. It helps you to see it from a different angle and you are helping others in the meantime. 😉 I know about trauma all too well. I was once the queen of advoicance tactics. For me? Therapy saved my life. I have entered & re-entered several times over several years. It helps me to deal w/ the PTSD from the traumas that I have experienced. Healing is a process… but we are worth it.

    • Kitty Bradshaw November 3, 2013 — Post Author

      It is a blessing in it’s self that we are able to see that we have issues with dealing. There are so many people who aren’t at that point.

      Thank You for commenting mama and sharing your experience *hugz*

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