I have been in Hawaii for one week now, and I am just starting to work on trying to relax. I don’t know how to sit still and just breathe. I have been wound up so tight for so long, I don’t know how to function any differently. I’ve spent the last 8 years on the east coast fighting to survive. Although some may say I lived a successful existence there, in my opinion I didn’t have a lot to show for it. I lost way more than I gained… I guess now that I think about it, those of us who choose to live in New York suffer from gamblers addiction. We keep our hand in the game looking to catch a lucky break. While others make great strides in other places, we stand at the same casino hoping to win. New York is a crap shoot, and when you don’t win you become hardened.
I came to Hawaii to pull myself out of the game. I want to be happy and New York was beginning to harden me. It was making me successful through business, but I still wasn’t fulfilled. Now to be fair, I don’t blame New York for my circumstances. You can’t blame the dealer, but at the same time have to take responsibility for making the decision to sit down at the table. Welp, I made the decision to escape my life and New York. I don’t just want to survive, I want to be happy. Prior to moving to the east coast I had the patience of Job, fighting to hold on to relationships… turning the other cheek, dumbing myself down, burying my head in the sand for others. I honestly can say I did that because I thought love and happiness meant always sacrificing while searching for a feeling. I now know that love is not a feeling, it is a choice. Everyone around me looked out for themselves while I chased them seeking love. When all is said and done, I am 35 and have never experienced real love. I chased my mom, I chased my dad, I chased my step dad, I chased various family members, I chased Mr. Bradshaw. What I mean by chase is I just wanted them to love me in return, and nothing I ever did was worthy of it.
While here in Hawaii, I am sorting out my truth. I am using this time to clear my head and figure out how to exist in my world. Last Week: my task was to figure out whose who on the chess board. This week: visualize happiness. Hopefully by the end of this trip I will be able to get to a state of relaxation. For right now, I am just worn out and alone.
A week of reflection in Hawaii…