This year, May 3rd, I participated in the Revlon Run/Walk. As always, I had a very positive time and got to see thousands of people come together to fight Women’s cancer. I have participated in this event years before, but this was the first year I did it in memory of someone. It’s sort of surreal because Cancer is that something you hear about but don’t truly know it until it happens to either you or someone close to you. When I first found out my grandmother was diagnosed with Cancer…. I kind of didn’t take it serious. She is someone I couldn’t imagine not being around. You hear about people beating Cancer, and I really didn’t accept that she had it. To be honest… until recently I didn’t accept that she passed away from it. She passed at the end of 2003 and it has taken that long to believe she is gone. I grieved in stages…
The first 2 years go by so quick… you kind of go into shock. It’s like a limb being pulled off. You know that its missing but you can’t get it back. Your grief is like a big pink elephant in the room and you kinda just spend a year or two looking at it trying to process that it’s there. The second year you are totally numb.
The third year you kinda start processing that there is an elephant in the room and although you won’t address it, you accept that it’s in the room. All though I prayed and communicated with God, I stopped going to church. A close friend of the family passed, and I refused to go to the funeral. I think I have been to church once since she passed and it was hard. Eventually I will get back in the swing of Church again but… something in me just can’t go.
The 4th… I started to address the fact that she was not around. I started thinking of conversations I never had with her. I started trying to resolve the issues we had and asked God to pass messages from me to her. I want her to know that I am sorry for little things and most importantly denying her the chance to apologize to me for things she had done to me before she passed. This was the year the healing process started.
The 5th year I was ready to do the Revlon Run/Walk… it was like therapy. Being around others who have lost someone to Cancer and those who have survived. This year I finally acknowledge that she is not here, and that she is with me in spirit. With our connection… I know she would never leave me. If the tables were turned I know that I would never leave her. Despite all our many differences… she is apart of me.
My first website is dedicated to my grandmother… I was so hurt I didn’t realize that the pink elephant was really my Angel, and it took me 5 years to see that.